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Why I’m not going to my school reunion



So the inevitable has happened, an invitation to my school reunion has landed on my door mat (not literally, but facebook doesn’t really have a door mat). And I’m not going. Because of how I look.

…..

Yeah I really did say that, and before you close the page, thinking well she is a fraud, hear me out.

When I left school in 2003 I was 11 stone and a size 14/16……12 years later I’m nearer 19 stone and a size 22. Back then I counted calories like a crazy woman, exercised for hours a day all because I could pinch an inch. I was unhappy in my own skin and thought that being slim was the only way I could be happy.

Now in my extra-large body, I am comfortable in my own skin and 99% of the time I will rock it, rolls and all, in some fabulous dresses.

Going to my school reunion might rob me of this.



A few years ago I attended the funeral of a family friend, who also worked at the school, some the teachers attended. I went to say hello to my head of year after the ceremony as I hadn’t seen her in years. Her reaction to me was not what I expected, the first word out of her mouth where ‘my you’ve gotten big’ and the look of shock and surprise on her face lasted only a second, and was replaced with an awkward laugh but it hurt. Even now I wince a bit at the thought of it. Not because I am ashamed of my body, but because how that is how others see and judge me.



I do not want to attend an event where my success as a human being is based on how I look, not the fact I have two degrees and started a PhD,  I have a good job, or that I’m actually a decent person.

As a woman my worth in society is valued only if I look the part, which I do not. I do not want the pity looks or people’s sympathy because they think I let myself go and that my life must be sad. No one was yet put a ring on it - 'because I’m fat' -  my uterus lay barren - 'because I’m too fat to get someone to have sex with me - however I have mastered of the womanly virtue of baking, I literally ate all the pies. These are not thoughts, or verbalisations i want in my life. 


It’s a form of self-care, self-love even, my confidence and contentment with my life does not need others to validate it, or cast dispersions on it.  So on that evening, I will be at home, probably eating a cake. 

Becky x 
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