I used to be full of such hate for
my body, I would daydream about losing weight and being slim, being able to
shop anywhere and buy clothes that all my friends were wearing. I even used to
think about clawing my fat off like some kind of animal, I went as far as to
research weight loss surgery, a gastric bypass, I looked at all the pros and
cons, how much it would cost to go abroad and have it done and then looked at
loans to get it done, I don’t think I would have ever gone through with it, but
my desire to be slimmer was that strong.
One part of my body I always hated
was my stomach and hips, I felt they always gave away my fatness, I would try
and hide them, in baggy clothes that was flattering and would skim over me, I spent
my teenage years hiding in boys baggy jumpers, which probably actually made me
look fatter than I was, but I felt like I stood out, looked different from all
my slim friends and that if I and they couldn’t see it then it didn’t exist, I now
see that this sort of denial and behaviour wasn’t healthy and probably led to
be becoming obsessed with my weight.
At 16, I started a diet, I lived on
slim fast and weight watchers meals and exercised for over an hour a day, I counted
calories and wouldn’t eat anything that I deemed too fattening, I lost weight
and dropped down to a size 12 on top but a size 16 on bottom, even though I was
toned and slim my hips were still big and there was nothing I could do to
change that. Even then I wasn’t happy with my body and my self-loathing and
sense of self-worth just decreased for years. I continued to hide my body in
baggy jeans and shirts, you wouldn’t think I was a young girl meant to be
enjoying my youth, I didn’t wear anything trendy and hated shopping.
Trying to explain how I came to
like my body is difficult, I’m not even 100% sure I’m there yet. I think one
day I just became exhausted of the hate, it can be mentally draining and I just
didn’t have the energy for it anymore, and I kinda started looking in the
mirror and thinking, do I really look that bad? In fact I think I look kinda
cute. And seeing pictures of other girls with my body shape rocking clothes I would
only dream of wearing really boosted my confidence, it made me realise I could
be fat and could still be fashionable, the two things could go together whereas
I always thought looking good in clothes, being fashionable and slim were
mutual exclusive. Clothes and my body weren’t the enemy, my mind was.
Even now, that I have come to find
some kind of peace with my body, I still have problems with my tummy area, it
is one of the big reasons I don’t wear jeans as they show my ‘pouch’ so I still
have a way to go before I am 100% comfortable in my skin, but I have come a
long away, no more do I daydream of being slim, instead I daydream of what
clothes I can buy and look amazing in.
