Unlike most 25 years, I am tee total and have been for
nearly 8 years now, this titbit of information is often met with gasps, screwed
up faces, exasperation and often the question why? I always find it interesting
that why is the first question, it implies that my choice is unusual and needs
some explanation. I do understand that it is quite unusual for someone my age
to have been tee total for so long, and today I thought I would talk about why.
I haven’t always been tee total, go back to 14 year old me, I
was out every weekend partying in clubs and would often be drunk two or three
nights during the week. This might raise eyebrows, why was I so young and
drinking? Did my parents allow this?
At 13 my older sister moved back home after her marriage
fell apart, she is 14 years older than me, and at that age, I looked up to her,
almost idolised her, I wanted to be like her, I tried to borrow her clothes and
shoes, but luckily for her, she was very slim with a boyish figure, I was
average with an hourglass figure, so while I tried, I rarely succeeded in squeezing
myself in (I remember once trying to get into her leather trousers and getting
stuck, queue much mocking from my family). My sister was a wild party girl, and
started taking me out with her, as I often begged and my parents didn’t see
much issue with me going out with my older sister, they told her I was only
allowed a few drinks, they seen this as a safe way for me to go out, I wasn’t
out there on my own getting drunk, my sister was there to look after me. I
loved going out with her and her friends, they would come over, have some pre
drinks, do my makeup and help me choose clothes to wear, my age was never an
issue because I was with a group of older people, and doormen just let me in
without question. I got to know the doormen at a few clubs, and started
venturing out without my sister and my friends, knowing I would get in these
places because the doormen knew me. It wasn’t about getting drunk, I loved to
dance and have a good time, I just had a few drinks to enjoy myself, but soon
this escalated.
The first night I came home really drunk, I had been in a
park with some friends, I drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels, blacked out, and
walked home by myself when I came round, my parents were away and my sister was
looking after me and my brother. I got in and seen what looked like mount Everest
in front of me, the stairs, my sister and brother love to tell this story at
any opportunity, they were sat on the sofa and we have an open staircase so you
can see through, it took me the best part of 20 minutes to crawl up the stairs,
they keep asking me if I was ok, my response was always I’m fine and they just
sat laughing at me, getting up a few steps and rolling back down. I eventually
made it to my bed and got it, the whole room was spinning and I felt awful, my sister came in
to check on me, I had my leg sticking out the bed and told her someone told me
it made the world stop spinning, she asked me if it did and I sadly replied no
(I get ribbed for this still), then the sickness started, my poor sister didn’t
know what to do with me, I was propped up with pillows, a bucket put my chin
and she sat at the end of my bed for the night, wondering if she should take me
to A&E. The next day my aunts came round for a Sunday roast, I was looking
green and still felt quite drunk, but to not let my aunts (who would have
disapproved massively) I had to sit and eat a full roast, it was torture.
Over the years my drinking got more and more out of control,
I was brought home by the police a few times and was cautioned for indecent exposure
(I was running around naked). I would disappear for a day or two at time to my friends’
houses to continue drinking, I would also started to dabble to drugs. My behaviour
got worse, I started skipping school. My poor parents and what I put them
through, looking back now, I feel ashamed. I would often put myself at risk or
in dangerous situations. Things all came to head one night, I was out drinking
with my friends and boyfriend, I had been on a binge for the pervious few days
so was in a pretty sorry state, I also had a urine infection, meaning I couldn’t
pee. I remember my boyfriend wanted chicken so we walked over to the chicken
place, I had this awful pain in my side and could barely walk or straighten up,
by the time I got back to the pub, I was agony and soon passed out, falling off
my seat, I was only out for a few seconds, but in that time my boyfriend had
phoned my parents who were on their way to get me, I couldn’t walk so my
boyfriend put me over his shoulder and carried me, I was sick down his back
(the shame), my parents took me to A&E, where I was given a wheelchair as I
was stuck bent over, the nurse asked me for a urine sample, I yelled that if
could pee I wouldn’t be here and making quite the scene. My parents were told I
was just too drunk and needed to go home and sleep it off and to come back
tomorrow, I had to sleep in the spare room as I had a futon in my room and
couldn’t make it onto it, that night was awful, I actually thought I was dying
at one, I was in such agony. It turned out my urine infection had turned into a
kidney infection and alcohol poisoning, I damaged my kidneys and to this day am
really prone to kidney infections. That weekend I decided enough was enough and
I had to stop drinking.
So why now, 8 years later, do I still not drink? I went
through university in Glasgow without drinking (which was a foreign concept
there), the reason I still don’t drink, is I can’t control myself. I would like
to state I am not an alcoholic, I don’t have a drink problem. When I say I lack
control, I can’t just have one, people always say to me just have one, but it
will never just be one, then it will be just have another, it is fine, what
harm can it do, and before I know it I will be drunk and being a bitch and
doing stupid things again. It has turned me into a control freak, I need absolute
control over myself at all times, I can’t have anything impairing that, I worry
about how I come across so badly that I just can’t risk anything ruining that.
Do I ever see myself drinking again? To be honest no,
although I keep joking that if I want to finish my PhD, I might need to take up
drink, but it is has been so long now, that this is the norm to me.
