I am a girl who is often consumed by the ‘what ifs’ of life,
I find it hard to let things go and often mull over the alternatives to things I
have done in life and wonder where I might be now if I had made different
decisions.
I hate making big decisions, not that many people do, but I struggle,
because there is always two courses of action, normally leading down two very
different paths in life. For example my choice to leave my first university and
transfer to Strathclyde was agonising, and for months after I wondered if I had
made the right decision and was often filled with regret and remorse, mostly
because I would never know.
I seem to suffer from a common illness known as the grass is
greener-itis where I think that the grass is indeed greener on the other side
and that my grass looks a bit brown and sorry for itself (especially is this heat
wave). And I seem to have reached this impossible impasse once again. My PhD is
causing me many sleepless nights, I toss and turn wondering if I have made the
right decision in pursuing this career path, is it really what I want to do to?
What the hell will I do when I finish? Is it all worth it? This has been going
on since about January time and I even tried to quit once (I cried in reception
to one of the admin team) but then I think well if I quit my PhD what would I do?
The job market is brutal and there are pretty much no jobs
in marketing that don’t require me living in London (no offence to London but I
just can’t live/commute there), plus I am 26 and would be starting at the
bottom even though I have a masters! Add the fact I have limited work experience,
which now seems to be a mandatory requirement for getting a job (where they
think I have time to get my degree and have do a meaningful job, they must
think I have a time turner from Harry Potter) and that leaves me feeling full
of dread and panic that I will never get a job and just be unemployed mooching off
my parents forever, giving up my PhD would also mean having to move back in
with my parents (my room isn’t big enough for the amount of clothes I have acquired
and if I am going to be jobless I at least want to look fantastic).
After talking to several people it has become clear that
leaving my PhD would cause too much regret, I would forever wonder and think
about it and know I was so close to having a PhD, yet I through it all away and
in reality I think I am just scared/worried about failing or not being able to
do it, if I leave before I’m pushed then it was always my choice.
This ‘what if’ has also reared its ugly head in my love
life, now this doesn’t mean me and my boyfriend are splitting up or anything
has/is happening, remember it is the ‘what if’. I have recently started talking
more to a boy, a boy I have been friends with for years, a boy I was crazy
about for a long time and would have probably done anything to be with. We just
clicked, I don’t think I have ever met someone who I felt so connected to and I
really can’t explain it but we just have this vibe. I knew he felt the same way
but it just never happened (for several reasons) and now I have moved to the
other end of the country and have a boyfriend, so is unlikely to ever happen
but I can’t help but wonder ‘what if’ about him, will he be the one who got
away? Was he meant to be more in my life but the timing just wasn’t right? We
still talk about the idea of ‘us’ (more in a reminiscent manner) and we both
feel some regret over it and both agree that we had something special and that
we could have had something great (if you are reading this I am very sorry for
airing our laundry so publicly).
Don't get me wrong, i know i am very lucky and that my grass to a lot of people will look great, The chance to do a PhD, fully funded, at one of the best uni's in the country is a great honor, i have an amazing boyfriend and family/friends, this is by no means me saying i am unhappy with my lot in life, i know that what i have is very good, it is about my and maybe people as a generals, need to compare our lives to others or what we could have had, i think it is only natural that we do this.
Is there a cure to this illness or while I forever live my
life wondering ‘what if’?
