Til death us do part?

This is something I have been thinking about recently. From a young age I have never been that keen on getting married, I hate the idea of a big puffy white dress, people staring at me, and why am I paying for them to eat? If I ever did get married I can see myself just sloping off to Vegas with no fuss. Why do I feel this way?

My mother installed in me that I didn’t need a man, she has made me a strong independent women *clicks fingers* she even gave me a few of her diamond rings so that I wouldn’t ever need a man to buy me one. I don’t come from a broken home, my parents married a year before I was born. So I don’t get this view from my home life. However my mother has been married twice before but she doesn’t talk about it and seen my older sister’s marriage collapse when I was 13, but that is because he acted unreasonable but even then they only divorced last year.

 I don’t know if it is possible to be with one person forever. I know those of you that have found your true love or soul mate will be staring at the screen, mouth wide open in disbelief at that statement. But it is true for me. I think we have many ‘the ones’ if that is what you want to call them. I am 25 now and have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years, I love him, yes I can see myself being with him for a few years yet, but marriage, I don’t know. I look back to the guy I was madly in love with at 14 and 16, I thought we were going to be together forever and when we broke up I cried for days and claimed my life was over, clearly it wasn’t, eventually I picked myself up and realised life goes on and this was just an experience, and hopefully one I could learn from.

The guys I dated in my late teens would repulse me now, they lack everything I look for in a partner, because I have changed as a person, and so have they. So if I wouldn’t date the guys I dated then, surely that could apply to my current boyfriend in a few years?

Changing and evolving as a person is a natural thing, you will both do it, and you will not essentially evolve together. It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, it just means you have grown apart and now need different things from a relationship and your current partner can’t offer that. I believe that throughout life you will need something different from a partner as you evolve as a person.

I look at my life now, I am a PhD student, I have 3 years to go until I finish. I have chosen to be a ‘career bitch’. When I get to the end I will be looking for a doctoral teaching job, in the UK there are only a handful of unis that I would actually want to work for, I come from a CCT school of thought and there are only a few other schools like this in the UK, meaning it will be very likely I will leave the UK for my job, and that excites me, I want to travel and see the world, but how can me and my current boyfriend make that work? He has his career and his own ambitions, why should one of those sacrifice that for the other.

I currently joke with my boyfriend that we need to get married before I finish my PhD as once I graduate I can’t change my surname, yes it is 2013 but women in academia have to keep the same surname they graduated with and first published with, but I actually like my surname and don’t see a great need to change it.

This is in no way me bashing marriage, I can see myself getting married one day, but I don’t think I will ever be able to fully say and mean til death do us part, when I really mean, until I stop getting what I need from you and find someone else who meets my needs better. 

The relationship dynamic

If you follow me on twitter, you will have seen my little breakdown in the week. I've been unhappy in my PhD for a white now and it all came to end after a terrible meeting and resulted in me crying in reception to the admin staff (not my proudest moment). I have since had a meeting with my supervisor and we have addressed the majority of the issues that were upsetting me, mainly my feeling like a failure as I wasn't progressing fast enough, and while I had a context and an idea, I had no theoretical underpinning, which is essential in a PhD. Then my inability to manage my time properly between my teaching, my modules and my PhD work, my PhD work was taking the hit. The pressure and expectations put on PhD students is incredible, and sometimes the support systems aren't in place enough to help you through (this is in relation to my teaching).

So now we have worked out a timetable so that I don't have to feel like I'm prioritizing other things over my PhD. However in thinking today, I have realized there is another factor that I hadn't previously considered, which is effecting my PhD.....my relationship.

I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. We live about 80 miles apart and normally spend most weekends together. Usually my boyfriend comes to Bath but since December he has only been up once, the rest of the time I have had to go to him. If I go 'home' that normally means more than the two days.

The  two days I spend with my boyfriend every weekend, are actually two days away from my PhD, time I could actually be spending on my own work. Yet I choose to make my boyfriend and my relationship the priority, over my career, something my boyfriend definitely doesn't do for me. His career is always at the forefront of his decisions and effects everything he does. He won't move closer to me because it doesn't  benefit his career, yet I can't do my PhD anywhere else so have to stay in Bath . I am not saying my bf is an arsehole, he isn't, this is about me and what i see as priorities in my life, before we think i am boyfriend bashing (i am not) and get on the boyfriend bashing bandwagon.

Why am I putting my focus on something and someone that might not last as long as my PhD? My career is important (to me) and I have dedicated the next 4 years to it, and it is going to be tough and are hard and sacrifices will need to be made, I'm just starting to wonder if one of those sacrifices will be my relationship.

Why does one person take priority over another in relationship? Is this something you have found in your relationships? For me something has to give, before one of them is the metaphorical straw that broke the camels back, but what will be the thing that gives? In my mind previously, before this realization, my relationship was the non-negotiable in my life , but maybe it needs to be the negotiable, it is the one thing i have the most control over, the one thing i am able to change. Maybe instead of seeing my bf every weekend, we will have to see less of each other, which will suck, as i need support through this and it is easy to feel very alone in this process, you also do need a break from working, before you drive yourself crazy, but maybe i need to make myself and what i want the priority.

Fat, Relationships and Sex

I often see people asking the blogs I follow about this subject and decided to chip in with my two cents worth.

You are probably thinking who am I to me giving an opinion on this matter. Will I’m a fat girl and without making myself sound slutty, I’ve had my fair share of experiences with the opposite sex (even some with the same sex, but that’s not for now).

Girls seem to think if they are plus size or fat, guys won’t like them or want to go near them; this is not true in my experience. I know it can be hard to believe, and for a long time I didn’t think I was worth their attention and wouldn’t believe their compliments but girls you need to. A guy will like you for you; your personality will always be the thing that lures them in and keeps them, not your body and don’t be ashamed of it. While I am saying this, your body is important, you need to learn to love it, and maybe a guy can help you with this. Every guy I have been with has always told me how hot they find my body and how much they like it and I think they do genuinely mean this, there is nothing special about my body, it has rolls of fat and stretch marks like most fat bodies but it is about the confidence I have (often faked until recently).

And never think you have to settle for a guy, just because he is giving you attention, does mean he is worthy of your time, just because you are fat does not mean you can’t be choosy. Furthermore don’t think you can’t attract a good looking guy, I have slept with and dated some stunners (if I do say so myself) the kind of guy that when I’m out with them, other girls are looking at us, with envy in their eyes, wondering how I got him (this might not be true but it’s what I like to think in head).

So overall, just be yourself and there is a guy out there for you, you just need to dig deep and find the confidence to get out there and have fun, sex is something that will help you love your body. Online dating can be a great thing, and post a full length picture of yourself so you don’t have to then worry about meeting and them seeing how fat you are, wear your fat with pride and never be ashamed of it. Yes you aren’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but then not everyone is going to be your cup of tea.

If you would like any advice or just want to talk about anything, fat, sex, relationships or other, drop me an ask.